1. Bacon is bae.
2. When the British apologise for securing their proper
3. Profound words of…madness early morning from the people at the London Underground
4. At least now we know who is in charge 
5. As in…nobody cares where you and little Hugo are going, JUST DRESS GO LEFT abeg!
6. We don’t even understand why this has to be a sign. Why?
7. Well, damn.
Gross fact: Taco Bell burritos contain less than 10% real bell
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) February 10, 2012
3 cars back at the Burger King drive thru gives you a devastating amount of time to consider your missteps.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) May 9, 2012
ok sir guacamole is gonna be an extra $1.80 plus the rights to sacrifice your soul to the dark lord satan thank u for choosing chipotle
— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) September 16, 2014
McDonalds sponsoring the Olympics is like the Kardashians sponsoring a job fair.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 29, 2012
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 15, 2012
"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?" "Yes."
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 27, 2014
Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me Dave: ya dont worry Steve: which pic did u use Mark: dont worry about it pic.twitter.com/JRiB79dxbh
— gregory erskine (@cat_beltane) August 19, 2015
ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015
[Sees bee on my wife's arm] Uh oh [I roll up a newspaper] Babe.. stay still.. (using newspaper as a megaphone) THERE'S A FUCKING BEE ON YOU
— dog rats (@ruinedpicnic) February 16, 2015
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
— ♡Very Respectful Guy (@SortaBad) August 5, 2014
MEN REPLYING TO WOMEN ONLINE pic.twitter.com/VgD4tVrVk5
— Anthony (@butterwolf) December 18, 2014