At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets
— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2016
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It's not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
I wonder if Beyoncé gets this annoyed when Jay Z opens a new box of Breathe Right strips before the current one is empty.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 18, 2015
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
We're assembling a crib from Ikea… Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?
— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) March 11, 2015