That by 16, you’d live your life just like Cher With your own cell phone, a white Jeep and designer dresses to wear to school.

That Devon Sawa would keep you.

That every time you went to someone’s ice skating birthday, you’d get out there and have moves just like Michelle Kwan.

That if you filled a dELiAs order form without any payment info, they’d magically give you the clothes for free.

That the Spice Girls would adopt you as a sister.

That this would actually turn into edible candy.

That you could actually ask Zandar questions and he’d be able to give you real answers.

That you could actually drive your Barbie PowerWheels around town.

That you could totally run away and subsist on treats you make in your Easy-Bake Oven.

That you would date JTT.

That you would start your own Baby-Sitters’ Club and make bank.