1.

At least 10% of divorces can be avoided by buying bigger blankets

— X Alqee (@Xalqee) July 9, 2012

2.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating "You Better Shape Up Scene" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2016

3.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It's not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 13, 2015

4.

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015

5.

I wonder if Beyoncé gets this annoyed when Jay Z opens a new box of Breathe Right strips before the current one is empty.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) November 18, 2015

6.

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015

7.

We're assembling a crib from Ikea… Which option on their toll free number gets you a marriage counselor?

— Mommy Honesty (@momesty) March 11, 2015